Cupcakes & Whiskey

I’m sitting here, on my bed, ignoring the piles of papers and CVs and forms that needed to be completed yesterday because I currently have something on my mind I need to get out. My entire life, I’ve been one hell of an optimist. An over-worrier, a cryer, over-passionate but most of all I’ve always been optimistic. “Oh yeah, tomorrow is a new day and things will be better and things will be great and it’s tomorrow so of course it will”. This optimism, usually peaks 3 times a year - my birthday in November, NYE in the states, and Persian New Year (which is the first day of Spring every year). This NYE, that optimism was nowhere to be found. 

I stood there, surrounded by a bunch of random drunks and drugheads, holding my best friend’s hand and counting down from 10 to 2012. Completely sober and wondering why I was here, I tried to focus on the task at hand - start fresh. Yet, all I could think of at the time was how a) it was so awesome to be spending new years with my best friend Jess since she’s a bartender and I NEVER got to spend NYE with her so this being our first after 6 years was amazing and b) how the insanity of 2011 went out with a whimper, and not a blaze of glory. 

Amongst the people I know, I heard and saw mixed feelings about the past year. It was either amazing or terrible. For me, it was a combination but the good outweighed the bad. I met a cool guy, we dated for a while and he was probably the best thing that happened to me relationship-wise in a long time. I realized what I wanted to do with my life in terms of graduate school and I started doing everything I could to get to it. I traveled, a lot - more than I had in a long time and it felt great. And then there was the bad - there was family drama, as there always is when you grow up Iranian; the guy and I didn’t work out, something I feel as though I always knew would happen but never wanted to accept. I lost my job, but can’t complain because well I was working for a company that never valued me and had nothing to do with what I wanted from my future. Yet, ultimately I think the good > the bad. 

So as I sit here, writing this, I can tell you for sure that I have no idea how I feel about 2012. There’s so many things I want and most importantly need from this year, that I can’t help but feel disappointment before I even know the outcome. Considering how “epic” the past year was, and how it started with such a flashy and loud and crazy NY, I can’t help but wonder if the deflated feelings I felt as the clock stroked midnight are a sign of what is to come. The rejection letters, the resentment towards those who have hurt me, the lack of opportunity around me right now and the need for something more. 

The only resolutions I came up with were to drink less and write more, so cheers to you. Let’s hope that your new year didn’t spark the pessimism I’m feeling right now, and instead brought you the blissful ignorance I felt last year. 

xo